Sunday, July 11, 2010

I've seen better film on teeth #1.

Another Flashback. ...Sorry, I'm on vacation.

The following is my review of the worst movie ever made. I'm writing about my family this week. It takes some time.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007 at 11:01am | Edit Note | Delete

At World's End should have been called: We Don't Know What We Are Doing -Part 2.
Nothing about this film worked. The plot was nonsense, the acting overdone, and the exposition everywhere. It was a train wreck from beginning to end …except that train wrecks generally occur because of one or two problems. A better analogy for this disaster of a film would be that it was akin to the black plague. The disease was everywhere, infecting all, one was safe.

The whole movie seemed vomited forth from the deep recesses of some terrible marketing place specilaizing in spawning singularly crap. Of course, this is what most people had the good sense to predict. Still, there is something about me that likes pirate movies and I had just watched Treasure Island at the Alley the day before.

As with the other two films, the opening was filled with intrigue. Dozens and dozens of people walk single file on their way to the gallows. A chorus rises and every damned soul sings a song calling for justice.

At this point I thought, “…maybe.”

But no. …no, no, no. The plot oozed forth, slowly, sluggishly, like so much venom and bile from the kraken ...who at least had the good sense to die off screen.

I would take time to describe my disgust with every single scene –random and confused, clever but not smart, visually interesting but bereft of purpose, defaulting and settling for disgusting, etc. However, that would suggest I cared enough about the universe of Pirates to try and make sense of the story they offered.

All I’ll offer is that the climax of the movie occurs amid a maelstrom created by Calypso, the goddess of the sea and the betrayed lover of Captain Davy Jones. The East Indian Trading Company is there, Davy Jones is there, …ah who cares. Perhaps it was intended, but I rooted for the maelstrom -the perfect metaphor for the plot, the development, and the frenzied, out of focus action, etc. I wanted every character dead, really dead, not brought back to life dead.

...I wanted Calypso to pull a lever and flush the entire pirate universe down the proverbial commode.

It wasn't funny, inspiring, good, fun, enjoyable, or entertaining on any level. I hated every single second this story stole from me because I liked the initial concept so much. The directors and producers and actors and story hackers should all take a lesson from the Krakken.

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